


can't remember how we got here or how we survived

by starrywrite



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Sibling Bonding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-31
Updated: 2017-12-31
Packaged: 2019-02-25 18:38:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13218747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starrywrite/pseuds/starrywrite
Summary: el is safe, and will is safe, but mike doesn't feel safe.





	can't remember how we got here or how we survived

mike sitting on the floor, back against will's bed, listening to his friend breathe as he sleeps soundly for the first time in months -- in almost a year. in front of him, el lays quietly, still. the blood had been cleaned from her face, her hair now curling around the edges after a shower. she is still, peaceful. 

so why isn't he?

el is safe, and will is safe, but mike doesn't feel safe. he can’t shake the feeling in his chest. the tightness, the looming feeling of apprehension, the stinging in his nose and eyes that makes him think he’s about to start crying.

he won’t though, he’s a teenager now. practically an adult. he literally saved the world from alien destruction. he isn’t going to fucking cry.

but he can't calm down, he can't relax. he can't convince himself that finally -- finally -- everything might be okay now. to him, it still feels like it isn't. like at any moment, everything could go to shit again. he's constantly on edge, he probably wouldn't even know what it felt like to relax. what it would feel like not to have your body tense with anxiety or hot with anger. what it would feel like not to be able to explain just why you've been acting like kind of an asshole lately. what it would feel like to be able to breathe. 

he gets up, making sure not to step on anything in will's room or disturb el, and he makes his way out of will's room and towards the kitchen. he isn't hungry, he doesn't want anything, but he just needs to get out of that room. out of his head. mrs. byers must have something; sure, she stopped smoking, but there's no way will's doctor hasn't prescribed him something to help him sleep. or maybe she'll have something to take the pain away. 

if will and el being by his side can't do it, maybe she'll have something that can. 

he's so stuck in his head that he doesn't notice the dingy light in the dining room is glowing, the room barely lit but a contrast to the rest of the darkened home. when he does realize it, however, he's shocked two times in a row because beneath the glow is his sister. 

he nearly trips over himself when he sees nancy. everyone else is asleep; the byer house full of several different sounds of snoring and sleep mumbling, and yet nancy is sitting at the dining room table with a carton of ice cream as if it's not the middle of the night. 

she smiles around the spoon in her mouth, not a real smile, it doesn't reach her eyes, before offering it to him. wordlessly, mike sits down in the chair next to her and scoops some ice cream up, but doesn't eat it. he stares at it for a moment, wanting to say something but not being able to find the words to. 

"it's just like old times," nancy says softly, fondly. "when mom was pregnant with molly and she and dad would fight all of the time. we'd sneak downstairs in the middle of the night and eat ice cream because they were too caught up in themselves to tell us not to." mike can feel her looking at him but for some reason he's frozen, staring at the now melting ice cream on the spoon in his hands. his stomach is in knots, his chest even tighter now. "we wouldn't even talk some nights," she continues. "we'd just sit together and eat so much ice cream, we'd both get sick to our stomachs." she shakes her head a little. "i kind of miss that."

guilt takes the form of a lump in his throat that he can't swallow down and his hands have started to shake. "i - i'm sorry," he whispers. "that i stole your money from your room." it's not what he means to say, not even what he wanted to say, but that's what came out. his voice cracked as he spoke and  _ oh no, oh no  _ he can feel the tears welling up in his eyes. 

he drops the spoon, going to get up but nancy is too quick; she's always been too quick. even when they were little and she was chasing him around the house, she always managed to catch him. she grabs his wrist, gently enough that if he really tried he could shake her lose, but he stills. and she whispers, "mike," and that's all it takes. 

he doesn't know if she pulled him down or if his body just gave up on him, but he's back in the chair, knees drawn up to his chest, and he's sobbing. not crying, full on sobbing. he's quiet enough not to wake anyone else but to him, it sounds louder than anything he's ever heard. his entire body is shaking, strangled gasps making him tremble, convulse. nancy wraps her arms around him, hugging him for the first time in a long time, and he grabs at her arms, holding her to him. he clings to her like a child would to their favorite stuffed toy, and she squeezes him close to her. he can smell the shampoo in her hair and jonathan's aftershave on her clothes and it makes him cry even harder. 

he didn't realize just how badly he missed his sister. how much he missed her hugs, her teasing, her smile -- her real smile. her laugh, the way she would tease him, the way she always knew just what to say. he really missed his sister. 

mike's hands grasp at nancy's arms, clinging to her, keeping her close to him. she shushes him gently, kissing his hair and whispering to him; he can't really hear or understand what she's saying, but just hearing her voice is enough. he hugs his sister and he cries. he cries for losing el, for losing will. for almost losing will again, for risking losing el again. he cries for himself, for all of his loss and pain and anger. he cries for the year he can barely remember because he was so caught up in himself. he cries for nancy. nancy, who lost her best friend. nancy, who had to grow up way too fast. nancy, who doesn't get to worry about normal teenage things like the SATs or shoes but instead has to worry about literal monsters. he cries for jonathan and mrs. byers. he cries because he hasn't shed a tear in nearly a year. he cries because it hurts. 

"i love you, mikey," nancy says to him. she hasn't called him 'mikey' since he was little and it makes him cry even harder. "it's okay, it's okay," she whispers and mike isn't sure if he believes her, because is it? is it really okay now? sure, the shadow monster was defeated and el closed the gate but what if -

"shh," nancy murmurs against his hair, as if she can actually hear his thoughts beginning to spiral out of control. "you're okay, mikey, you're okay." she sounds so sure of herself, as if it's true. as if he's really going to be okay. 

he doesn't know how long they stay in a heap of tears and tangled limbs, but mike cries until he physically feels as if he can't anymore. his whole body feels dry and he's exhausted. he lets himself collapse against nancy, lets himself be held by her. the chair beneath him screams against the tile floor as she pulls him in to her, even closer than he was before, and she rests her chin atop his head. 

"i'm sorry," his voice is so hoarse that he can barely hear himself. 

"don't," nancy tells him, her voice thick with tears and if he had in it him, he'd start crying again. 

"i didn't -" he wants to apologize for making her cry, for getting snot all over her shirt, for being a burden. but, again, she says, "don't," and he clams up because he's too tired to argue with her. 

"i love you, mikey," it's the second time she's said it in one night, the first time she's said it to him in... he can't even remember the last time they told each other 'i love you'. mike whimpers softly, turning his head to hide his face against her shoulder. "i love you," she repeats. "and i'm here, okay? i know i haven't always been, but i'm here. i'm here, and i'm not going anywhere. i  _ promise _ . i promise, mikey." 

mike just nods. he wants to say that he loves her too, wants to say that he's here for her, wants to apologize for being such a little shit lately, wants to tell her about all of the scary things going on in his mind and how he's constantly living in a state of fight or flight and how badly he just wishes it would stop. but he doesn't. because he's too tired, because it's been a long fucking week and because words are too much right now and because if he opens his mouth one more time, he might just start bawling again. 

but nancy's always been able to read his mind. when he was little, he always thought she had superpowers. he still kind of does. 

they sit together, mike curled up into a ball and nancy leaning against him. it isn't particularly comfortable for either of them but they don't move. not even when the sun starts to rise and they realize that neither of them slept. for once, mike is thankful for the burn in his eyes from exhaustion and insomnia. it means he's awake, and it means that this was real.

he can feel nancy's weight pushing down harder on him and he forces his legs out, wincing when his bones crack, and he gently moves her arm around his shoulder. wordlessly, he helps her up to her feet, shushing her when she startles awake and starts mumbling incoherently, and he leads her to jonathan's room. 

"i got it," she tells him, stopping him in the doorway of jonathan's room. she leans against it, not fully awake but not wanting to bid mike goodbye just yet. 

he shifts his weight from foot to foot, the wheels turning in his mind. there's so much he wants to say to her, so much he wants her to know. but he can't get the words from his brain to his lips and all he can manage is a broken, "thank you," that tumbles from his lips before he can even process that he's speaking. 

nancy smiles, though it's exhausted and pained, it's  _ real _ and mike can feel his chest filling. she doesn't say anything, just leans forward to kiss his forehead and when she's close, he loops his arms around her waist and hugs her once more. just because he really missed his sister. because he really loves his sister. 


End file.
